Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
I cut my penus on the lid.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
