My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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