its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
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