the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
