She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Randomize
