This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
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I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
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