smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
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