I have demons in me.
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
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