How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
