I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Randomize
