how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
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