I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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