She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
this hospital has no fireball
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
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