she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Randomize
