how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize
