he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
