omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
