It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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