based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Randomize
