It's a beautiful day for a hangover
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
It's shark week go big or go home
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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