I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I am never drinking with the goths again.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Randomize
