and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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