Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
