Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
she smelled like a LAN party
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
