I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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