Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
We had sex on a dog bed..
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
