Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
i already hear my dad disowning me
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Randomize
