We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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