Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
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Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
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What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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