You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Randomize
