Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
