you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
