I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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