Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
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