There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
