in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Randomize
