Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Why are your pants in the freezer?
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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