I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Randomize
