It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
