the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Everclear isn't food dammit
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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