I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
called my therapist. she asked if I was sad bc of m.j.'s death. are ppl that pathetic?
you need more empathy. some people get depressed for reasons OTHER than being a whore.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
