I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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