I just pynch a tree in the face
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
