im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Green mimosas i think yes
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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