just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
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