Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
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