I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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