i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
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She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
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