I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
