why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
