my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I can feel your judgement through the phone
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
