guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
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