I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
