My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
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