I'm eating all of the evidence.
Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Randomize
