I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
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I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
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just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
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