If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
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